On Rugs and Honesty

A turn in the dynamics of friendship has forced me to clean some things.

11pm last night: “I have to get some things off my floor, I mean chest...”

In an attempt to maintain friendships that have been strained by an acute lack of time, the resolution of conflicts or grievances have been dealt with by committing an age-old emotional crime – sweeping it all under the rug. There are many reasons for the rug’s existence, we could blame study, boyfriends, gigs, work and schedule conflicts for the lack of depth in our relationships but in the end, it’s gotten steadily shallower because, let’s face it, deeper is harder.

This particular 'rug' is a few months old and last night I called a couple of friends and dared to rip it off the floor. As with any rug, the dust is swirling, the revelation of both lies and honesty choke us and it’s going to be an effort to settle things down in a way that won’t trip us up when we walk.

The time has come to choose between apathy and struggle. Deciding that I wanted to be the sort of person who lives their life deeply with others, I called my friends after work and we talked it out. We dared to say words like selfishness, depression, attention, apathy and insecurity out loud and ripped that sucker off the ground. There were no angry tones, barely any tears, no accusations and a total lack of drama - just honest conversation about the way our actions affect each other. I saw the way my behaviour had affected another for the worse and I apologised for my wrongdoing. Had we been lying or deceptive? No, but here we find ourselves, around a rug, looking down and wondering what to do with it.

I’m sorry rug, you’re on your way out. I will not allow my relationships to putrefy under the smooth guise of normalcy. Something has to change because living this way is far too Stepford for my liking.

Intimacy, I’m finding, involves more than being honest about 'what is going on'. Surface honesty isn’t enough for a deepening intimacy, anyone can simply state the facts about their life and leave the knowledge with another, all it takes is a lack of dignity (incidentally, something I’m renowned for). My friends and I aren’t looking to tell each other more things, but to let the relationships we already have deeply affect the way we live.

In this way an honest answer is very much like a kiss on the lips (Prov 26:24). It’s confronting and at the same time intimate. Although, in my experience, honesty and intimacy can often feel more like a slap in the face.

I guess, either way, someone is in your face.

My friends and I are already honest with each other – like I mentioned before, any frank clown can do it, now we face the daunting task of dragging that honesty to some place deeper. We can’t go back to the old and we can’t stay in the current as it isn't working for us. We choose to do the things we've always done, we just choose to live in a deeper way with each other. We will start to make time with each other a priority, we will be honest with each other, we choose not to become offended, we choose to heal when we’re hurt, we will promise things to each other, we choose to have killer times, listen to music, go to shows together and eat a metric tonne of food whenever we see other.

This rug, it’s on its way out of the door and I’m finding that when we aren't afraid of intimate relationships all that is left in this room isn't dust or cover-ups, just each other. I like that, intimacy that sees, knows and loves until all that is left is a clear view of yourself and others.

This new resolution to bear and live with each other is not one made out of fear or insecurity, but of following God. Who else am I meant to be involved in genuine intimate community with, if not my closest friends?

12pm last night: “I have to get these things off my floor, I really do have a cleaner coming tomorrow...”