Let’s face it, wedding speeches are the part of the evening where the guests ‘pay’ for their free meal ticket by being forced to listen to long-winded eulogies about the bride and groom.
During wedding speeches, I can be found sipping gingerly at my champagne while simultaneously trying not to finish it so that there’s nothing left when the speech finally ends and it’s time to toast the ‘beautiful bridesmaids’ or the ‘happy couple’. As much as I’m also concentrating on not needing to go to the toilet because the toilet entrance is positioned behind where the speech is taking place, I’m fascinated by the abuse of power that takes place when some people get the chance to grasp a microphone.
Can someone please tell the well-meaning best friend of the bride that this isn’t the time to rehash all the material they used at the 21st? Can someone please tell the father of the groom that we’re failing to see the connection between what the trip he and his wife took to Germany in ’65 has to do with his daughter marrying the man in the suit? Can someone please tell the inebriated uncle who’s not really an uncle that doing an impromptu speech before being escorted away from the microphone is not going to seem as funny the next morning?
I went to a cousin’s wedding a few weeks ago having never met the groom prior to the wedding day. I learned a bit about him from his brother, who was the best man. Like how many times he’d been inebriated — “you bloody pisshead you” — and about the time he left his wallet in a canoe he’d stolen and abandoned and was called up by the police the next morning.
This same brother’s opening lines, delivered in a slurred deadpan, went like this: “When Dazza asked me to be his best man, I thought it was a bit like being asked to make love to the Queen ... It’s a great honour but no-one wants to do it.”
Brilliant.
Other wild card wedding speech favourites of 2007:
> An entirely innocent speech by a parent of the groom went something along the lines of “X is looking forward to showing Y his secret spots”. I saw legs being kicked under tables all across the reception area.
> A groomsman, failing to get audience response to his not-so-funny and not-quite-appropriate jokes, said: “C’mon … laugh you frigging bastards”. With conservative Christians making up about 80% of the guest list, the stunned silence that met this line probably made this guy aware that he’d slightly misjudged his audience.
Monday, April 16, 2007
Wedding Speech Corkers
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
I think the worst wedding speeches are those where the groom and best man challenge one another to put a list of random, irrelevant words into their speech. The words must be inserted into a normal sentence.
People who choose to do that at weddings are just the worst!!
Closely followed by the wedding I went to on the weekend where the people giving the speeches hardly knew the couple, they knew the parents and could only relate to the couple thru the parents stories of them. It was basically lies, unknowing lies, but lies nontheless.
it's all fun and games until an old flame from adelaide shows up...
...or you discover when was in your backyard all along.
Come to think of it B, I reckon Cacophony is ready for Alby Mangels tribute post!
In face, if you want to see some short shorts, do yourself a favour:
http://www.albymangels.com.au/
Why, why, oh why, oh why did I put that address into my browser?
My eyes are scorched, those are some hot pants.
Also, I like it when wedding speeches turn into slinging matches. I had the pleasure of listening to a best man rip into the groom, who then threw away his notes and returned the favour.
The whole experience was made much better by a certain friend who had availed himself to the free pitchers of beer and shall not be named (Serg). He decided to contribute by way of inappropriate comments that had the entire room in agonised, supressed laughter.
Like school in July - no class**
**Except of course, for our mate Serg.
Mikey, for the record, my five were:
- Neville Bartos
- Guus
- Nutmeg
- pimples (courtedy of Clare)
- the crypts of lieberkuhn (courtesy of Steve)
You can pretty much say anything else and your speech will will remain remotely interesting.
He he... Suffer in your jocks...
to my defence (not that im defending myself.. ) but i was celebrating glen mcgrath's record number of runs.. i think he got 50+ not out.. WOOOOOOOHA GLEN McGRATH!.. and it was the saturday after the end of year exams.. shame.. well i cant really say i remember the speeches or anything past the finger food to be honest.. but from what i have been told.. i was in fine form.. i also gave the bride and groom plenty of advice... on VIDEO.. ha ha ha..
ok.. i have also been a best man a few times in my life.. ( i know what ur all thinking) and lets just say i have used and re-used the same best mans speech (BMS) time and time again.. except for the bit were u talk about the groom.. thats the variable.. but the punch lines aka jokes are all the same... eg
i start of by saying how nervous i am about making the speech.. how its not the first time i have had to get up from a warm seat holding pieces of paper in my hand.. and then i make the sex joke.. 'As the great Greek Philosopher Socrates once told me, a best man's speech should last no longer than it takes the groom to make love… Thank you very much and enjoy the rest of the day' or i talk about how its an honour to be asked to do the BMS, kinda like shaggin the queen mother.. an honour but no one wants to do it.. but thats not very Australian…. Australians would just give her a grope... i throw in a few more jokes.. tell a few stories.. and voilà,.. speech done..
Serge_ I'm pretty sure I want you to be the best man of our unborn child. I'm sure she'll be up for it...matrons of honour seems to give such flowery, ;ightweight and pedestrian speeches - you'd kick ass.
Post a Comment