You're tops: To a great character

We’re paying homage to a character that needs little introduction, yet is the object of confusion and derision to the extent that extinction may be just around the corner.
Cautionary note: Before we even begin, this is an absolute tome – 1998 words in all – so I would highly recommend a) jumping ship now or b) fetching yourself an extremely good cup of coffee. In fact, if you make it to the end, let us know – the steak knives will be in the mail.

The apostrophe. Maligned. Misunderstood. Abused. Overused. Underused. Excluded. Ignored. Yet it remains one of the symbols of our time.

Take off the blinkers and you’ll see the little tacker poking up his motorcycle-helmet-clad-head all over the shop. Sometimes in places he should never be, sometimes in exactly the right place at the right time and sometimes wondering what he accidentally acquired…but we’ll get to that later.

For years, the apostrophe has served us so well. In fact, if the apostrophe had a middle name, it would be a toss up between ‘efficient’, ‘possessive’ and ‘versatile’. Therein lies the problem: the little fella’s so flexible it’s confusing. The fact is, even my grammar checker didn’t know what to do with him in that last sentence. One moment he owns stuff, the next he’s saving real estate on the page – or ink from the pen.

The problem as I see is that that which isn’t understood is feared. And, out of fear, we pursue one of two courses of action: abstinence or blithe overuse.

Now, I’m first to admit that the journey from caring for this little ‘above-the-line’ critter to being labelled ‘anally retentive’ is only a short one, but I’m prepared to go into bat for it all the same.

I don’t profess mastery either. I probably invite him along for the ride a little too often—it seems more inclusive than leaving him on the bench. So, in the interests of helping you with your condition, I’ve come up with a ‘Fast Five’ for discovering whether you’re suffering from being overly enamoured and defensive with regard to the motorcycle-helmet-clad-head (a.k.a., the apostrophe).

1. You carry an Artline pen or can of white spray paint in the car with you (or saliva for the blackboard) just in case you need to fulfil your responsibility to the literary world.
2. You can’t observe the mistreatment of the little fella without drawing the attention of those around you to the injustice that has been perpetrated.
3. When reading a book, the paper, or a magazine in a café, you find it very difficult not to correct error for the benefit, clarity (and perhaps admiration) of the next reader.
4. You’ve been known to exclaim ‘hello apostrophe’ while driving the car on observation of the work of serial overusers.
5. You find yourself posting tributes to the noble mark on blogs that hitherto had precious little to do with grammar.

Now, I’ll confess to four out of five of these. While my wife may disagree, I’d like to proclaim innocence on the second criteria. I’ve certainly succumbed to all others though. For random acts of literary vandalism (or enhancement), I both apologise and confess my sin. And, for the record, I’m quite capable of practicing grace in the area of the apostrophe – I just don’t think we should wallow in our confusion.

This post is not intended to be a grammar lesson, but a celebration of the apostrophe. So, why I feel a need to mount a defence for the fella’s appropriate usage, I don’t want to stray too far off the highway of celebration. Yet, for some paragraphs, I would like to provide a perfunctory guide to its (no, not it’s) use. Perfunctory in that it is limited by the writer's literary intellect.

Key usage #1: Apostrophes own stuff
Indeed, they own many things: cars, houses, balls, jobs and, strangely, even people. The apostrophe steps in after the owner and usually before an ‘s’ to make the declaration: “I belong to him (or her, or it).”

Note 1: This is Fiona’s car, it is a Festiva. (This is also a demonstration of rhyme)
Note 2: This is Spot’s ball, just throw it and he’ll bring it back to you.

Pretty simple so far? Indeed. Yet there are a few clarifications that need to be made here.

If a group of people own something, leave the apostrophe until last.

Example One: The Cacophony Ensemble: A writers’ collective

Now this can be confusing and this is partly why the little fella needs to be stewarded well. If you have a Writers’ Blog, you’ve got yourself a blog for writers. If you have a Writer’s Blog then you have a blog that belongs to one person. Just one.

Curious fact#1: If you’re really, really, really famous and your name ends with an ‘s’, you can leave of another ‘s’ after the apostrophe has done his job.

Example One: At the table were Jesus’ disciples.

My point here is to demonstrate the common rule: using an ‘s’ twice interrupted by an apostrophe is just fine. In fact, it’s correct. You can read Thomas’s book all you like and you’ll still be, quite fairly, reading the book that Thomas wrote (or owns).

There’s definite grey in this one. Few would dispute Thomas’s book, but many would say Bill Hybels’ church or David Griffiths’ house. English is not always monochromatic! So, at risk of being nebulous and non-absolute, if the apostrophe follows the ‘s’ in a name that ends with ‘s’ and it sounds better (un-clumsy), just leave it be.

Let’s move on. I’m not an English teacher and I’m feeling as if I’m on treacherous ground.

Key UN-usage #2: Don’t use an apostrophe for plurals
Bear this rule in mind when you’re shopping for vegetables, as Grocers and the occasional pet shop owner seem to be permanently ensconced on the list of serial offenders. If it’s a plural, it doesn’t need an apostrophe!

Un-example One: ‘Potato’s $2/kilogram’ (No, the potatoes don’t own the money) For the record, potatoes will do just fine.
Un-example Two: From Guppy’s to Puppy’s (Someone, please, restrain me!) Again, for the record, From Guppies to Puppies will do just fine unless you’d like to get a little more specific and make it From Guppy’s aquariums to Puppy’s kennels….but I digress.

We’re moving on – all this chalk is bleaching my fingers.

Key UN-usage #3: Apostrophes can stay at home and stuff will still be owned!
Okay, listen up. If you’re going to mask the identity of the owner, or if the owner is inanimate, then sometimes you’ll just go with ‘IT’. This becomes a bridging rule of sorts, because we’re crossing over from Mr Possessive to Mr Efficient. It would be confusing if the same spelling and insertion of grammatical marks denoted the same literary intent, so the wise folk made it easy for us.

Let’s get there in stages.

Step 1: You should check the milk’s expiry date. (Yes, a carton of milk can own stuff. In this case it owns an expiry date!)
Step 2: You should check its expiry date. (No apostrophe)

Now, we just need to assume that whoever is being asked about the expiry date is aware it’s in relation to a carton of milk, but the big deal is this: when you’re using ITS to denote ownership, leave the apostrophe in the cupboard—his services are not required. In fact, the helpful rule here is this: any time you see IT’S, you should be able to re-state the sentence with ‘it is’ instead of ‘it’s’.

Step 2/Take 2: You should check it is expiry date. Ba bow. That won’t fly

We could unpack the literary rationale for the rule but it’s (it is) quicker simply to say: ‘don’t do it’.

Key Usage #2: A well-employed apostrophe will save you space (ie. Mr Efficient)
Here’s where the little fella comes struts his stuff (right there at the beginning of the sentence). Apostrophes can be used to contract words. Not all words, but a fair swag of common ones. Shakespeare was liberal with the apostrophe. He contracted whenever he felt moved to do so. There are a bunch of words that have commonly accepted contractions though. Here’s a bunch of obvious ones:

It is = it’s
We are = we’re
You are = you’re
Do not = don’t
Does not = doesn’t
Will not = ahhh…let’s not go there
Let us = let’s
I am = I’m

Sometimes it suits to spell it out, sometimes contractions help change the tone. Generally, it’s a little more casual. And other times, it just fits the meter of what the writer is on about.

So: ‘I am, You are, We are Australian’ might work, but ‘I’m, You’re, We’re Australian’ doesn’t quite fly. Sure, they say the same thing, they just don’t fly.

I think the lesson is over. We’ve avoided a lot of territory, but this isn’t intended to be a lesson in grammar, but the celebration of a hero. This fella is among the hardest working characters in the caper. And that’s only taking into account his ‘above-the-line’ work. Bring into play the work of his ‘on-the-line’ mate, the comma (an identical twin in all facets other than location) and you’ve got two of the dominant literary players of our time.

My plea is this: please respect the apostrophe. He means no harm. He only exists to bring clarity and brevity into the literary world. Simply acknowledge his strengths and his weaknesses. He can’t be all things to everybody, so don’t force him where he shouldn’t be. Sure, he just got three gigs in the last sentence, but let’s not overuse him by confusing homonyms with acceptable usages (i.e. It was ‘where’ back then, not we’re).

And, while I’m a voice in the desert crying out for mercy for this character, I’m also quick to acknowledge that our lexicon is a movable feast. It’s evolving. Words appear in our dictionary today that only years ago we’d never heard of (or were considered colloquialisms or slang). Words like ringtone, blog, detox and hoodie all want to be spell-corrected, yet you’ll find them in the latest edition of your dictionary. Some would argue, so long as you get the idea of what the writer is attempting to communicate, just leave it be. That’s fine. Whether I ‘right’ this sentence or I ‘write’ this sentence, it’s probably reasonable to accept that you get the gist. The apostrophe is worth fighting for though. Abuse this little critter and you could have a friend that is a dog rather than a friend who owns a dog. I’m all for having a dog as a friend, but it’s good to have clarity.

The apostrophe doesn’t leave us without real-life application either. You see, we’re all capable of being apostrophes, or treating others like one. We’re capable of being used where we shouldn’t (just because it’s obvious we must fit in there somewhere). And we’re also capable of being overused. To be burned out because we’re available and willing. And so, motorcycle-helmet-clad-heads get placed in square holes where they almost look appropriate until you discover that they’ve actually re-interpreted a context, or owned something that was never theirs in the first place. Or brought brevity to a context that was brief all on its own.

As you go about your work-a-day lives, look out for the apostrophes—in literature and in life. Spare a thought for their plight. Love and cherish them. And bother enough to discover, in concert with them, exactly where they belong and where they thrive. They’ll rejoice in being able to run with the freedom that comes from being in the exact place they were always intended.

Amen.