Encumbered forever by desire and ambition

This lyrical gem from Pink Floyd has been rolling through my thoughts for a week or so.

Somehow it sprung to mind while walking to work one morning, pushing through what was a very challenging week where Simone and I were forced to consider walking away from our life here in South America. I thought about our desires and ambitions that we had placed on our time here in Peru, and what it would mean to fulfill them, or to not be able to fulfill them, or to actually voluntarily let them go. The thought arose in my head of how, while desire and ambition can propel us towards some great stuff, it can also be one of the biggest encumbrances to doing what we are really called to do.

Last week my meloncholy thoughts spawned the “sad songs say so much” post which was born straight out of our situation. It was a tough week, we had to battle through a circumstance that was far outside our control and it ate at our relationship, our sleep, our joy, and ultimately our desire and ambitions. It was the darkest of times indeed. As the worship team at our church prayed with me (in Spanish – but its ok because God knows a bit of spanglish) I came to the realization that although we were in the middle of a dark time, it was actually my desires and ambitions that were snuffing out the very small candle of hope. Hanging onto what I wanted was really causing me some Matthew 6:25 anxiety.

I desired to be here for a certain amount of time, had ambitions of saving money to meet a certain goal, conquering the Spanish language, and a bunch of other stuff. I thought they were God’s ambitions too, but maybe I just hoped more than really thought they were. It wasn’t till I really looked at the reality of walking away from all of that, and saw what could be if I did, that I realized that God actually does know what he’s doing (duh). Simone and I gave our situation to Him with the most faith that we could muster, and with a decision to act in faith and bear the consequences.

If I am un-encumbered by my desires and ambitions, then it does not scare me to let them go. It does not worry me as much to change them or have them changed for me; in fact it’s actually exciting. I mean, it’s been a great ride so far, imagine what’s coming round the corner then! So, in the words of Frou Frou, we let go, jumped in, what were we waiting for (its alright, there is beauty in the breakdown!). A breathtaking thing to do for us people addicted to budgets and spreadsheets and 5 year plans (it was breathtaking to come here in the first place, but even more breathtaking to consider having to leave).

But great was Thy faithfulness, and it was handed back to us (stop me before I pull out some cheesy Sting lyrics). God beat us to it and saved us from a very tricky situation, gave me courage to stand in the face of a very strong challenge, and changed the heart of the decision makers before I could even address the matter with them.

I have been thinking long and hard about that week. I have been considering what it means to have desires and ambitions. Thinking about Ps 37:4 and what desires do I want God to put in my heart. Do I let my desires and ambitions encumber me, or do I look for the ones that God is handing to me and allow them to set me free. There's an ongoing challenge, but constantly difficult as it requires regular renewing of the mind.

And the full verse, just in case you’re racking your brain as to the next line of that Pink Floyd song, is as follows, and I find them more than a reminder of a state of mind I'd like to keep moving away from...

Encumbered forever by desire and ambition
There's a hunger still unsatisfied
Our weary eyes still stray to the horizon
Though down this road we've been so many times

High Hopes – Pink Floyd