I went to a funeral this week to say goodbye to a family friend. He left behind five daughters and as I stood next to one after the burial, I was a witness to a number of interruptions by various people—some of whom were close to her, some she’d never seen before. Now I’m the queen of foot-in-mouth action but over the course of the afternoon, I managed to calmly observe that the comments of many well-wishers were completely inappropriate.
Things NOT to say/do at a funeral based on this experience:
• Ask how they’re feeling. (Okay, I said this too—it depends on the tone)
• “You seem to be holding up well.”
• Question: Did your mum tell you girls how to behave today because you’ve been great?
Answer: No.
• “Your dad would have loved this funeral.” (What the…)
• Squeeze person’s hand and look wistfully into their eyes.
• Laugh excessively then turn around, catch person’s eye and suddenly look really sad.
• Comment on how good the sandwiches are.
• Discuss your observance that the grief sometimes only hits a person later.
Here’s some free advice for anyone attending a funeral:
• Don’t say much
• Avoid clichés
• Keep your pop psychology to yourself
• Don’t try and say anything to make someone feel better on the day of their dad’s funeral—they’re just not going to.
• Share your memories about the person who’s died for a future time and place.
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Funeral Faux Pas
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8 comments:
Yeah - I like your last piece of advice the most. I think there are times when the gravity of the moment makes pretty much any sentiment trite. And yet, silence can be deafening as well. I think the challenge is to somehow communicate an authentic availability beyond 'that moment' without falling into the ditch of superficiality.
Yep, still working on it.
Having been through a period where I lost a granddad I was really close to (actually, he was one of my spiritual heroes), 2 uncles and the man who taught me how to play the piano, all within 11 months when I was 16-17 I remember the trite crap people spun and I also stood alongside a mate who's Dad dropped dead in a lift in Kuala Lumpur all alone and witnessed the trite crap that came along.
Now I'm not gonna defend it but I can tell you something, in those times, something is better than nothing. I'd have rather someone showed that they were concerned, misguided and ill-timed as it was, than to ignore me and my family/friend and say nothing.
Some people can be boneheads and be 100% inappropriate and I concur with you Sarah but as much as it might suck hearing the cliches and crap that pop up, I reckon most people (generalising is dangerous I know) would prefer that to no contact and being ignored at such a pivotal time of life.
Anyway, that's my thoughts, hopefully haven't offended anyone, not my intention. I feel pretty strong about this, it's so awkward and it shouldn't be.
Yeah, I'm with you Mikey. That was my 'silence is deafening' thought. I think it's better to have a well-intentioned, considered crack than use avoidance as a strategy. I think the superficial at least shows intent and concern where silence can be interpreted as callousness or a feeling that you've contracted some contagious disease.
definitely, i'm with you both. i certainly wouldn't advocate complete avoidance.
i just remember being at my dad's funeral and feeling annoyed even through my grief at the things some people said. having said that, i'm sure different people would appreciate a variety of responses. and it's not like i've kept any grudges against these people...
i do remember being so happy when this one guy came up to me with a normal smile and just chatted about stuff.
Yeah, kudos to him. But it is easy to over-process and become self-conscious about what you're about to say or not say. And it's also easier (far easier) to think it's other people's job to talk to you...people who know you better/know what to say/are closer to you. Truth is, it's often those people who are more worried than many others that they'll say the wrong thing. All the motivation is good but it sometimes causes paralysis.
I remember that what I wanted was some normality back in my life.
I reckon you hit it on the head sezy when you said that guy came up with a normal smile and just chatted. You don't have to ask how you feel, you just need to make that contact and even make a date to catch up in a few weeks where talking about what transpired is more appropriate. Then getting proactive after that (make some calls, cook a meal, take them out for coffee, run some errands for them, you know... the practical love stuff, caring for widows and orphans gear) is where the rubber hits the road.
This is a really good discussion. More should join in.
I've also been there. My experience is that when you are in shock, and you still are usually in some form of shock at the funeral, that you are protected from much of the inane verbal content and you are much more aware of the non verbal.. people care because they don't avoid you. The Holy Spirit is not only comforter but also protector and translator.
Thanks for a great blog. Enjoy reading it from time to time. Kara
Just wondering if anyone knows when Clare O'Neil is going to post her second part to the trilogy? I've been waiting a while!
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