Last Friday, there was 2136,000,000 litres less in our dams compared to 2006. Today, there's 172,000,000 more in our dams than this time last year. (The black line below tells the tale)
Rain's a great thing. Nah, really, it is. Just saying...
Showing posts with label TRIVIAL PURSUITS. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TRIVIAL PURSUITS. Show all posts
Monday, August 6, 2007
Send it down
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
Sunday, June 24, 2007
Especially for Simon
Guppy's to Puppy's has made me chuckle since childhood. I even surprised myself at how enjoyable it was to read Simon's tome exalting the humble apostrophe. Here is a blog dedicated to tracking the misuse of the beloved mark. Although, I am still more of a literally girl.
Thursday, June 14, 2007
Stop: collaborate and listen
You know we’ve gone post-industrial when people start solving problems you weren’t aware of – and charging you for it... But then there’s Cacophony, which we’ve already established is a barter economy. In return for your engaged readership, I’m about to solve the biggest little problem you never thought you had...
And that problem is: the email ‘subject’ line...
It isn’t so hard at work – because generally there’s some ‘thing’ you’re trying to communicate. But what if the point of the email is just to connect? Go through your inbox – I bet it’s full of ‘hey’s and ‘hi’s, maybe a ‘howdy’ from your cowdy friends. I’m partial to a ‘hi y’all’ and a solid ‘greetings and salutations’ generally hits the spot. But by the time you’ve bounced a couple of Re:hi’s back and forth, you’re having a genuine conversation, and that subject line is plain inaccurate.
One of my friends avoids the whole issue and leaves his subject lines blank. The thing is, he’s not a man with nothing on his mind. Based on the subject line, you’d think he was sending you something with the mental nutritional value of fairy floss, which: just no.
My default is day-and-time. Monday Morning. Tuesday Afternoon. Wednesday Evening. Again, fine, but when you regularly email someone at the same time, you end up with an unsearchable inbox. I know there’s an invite to a party somewhere in there, but which of the Re: Monday Morning’s holds the gold?
The solution? A diversion I like to call Subject Line Lyrics.
The game is this: Sender fills in the subject line with lyrics of their choice. Recipient includes title and artist in their reply. Simple, right? Well, there are rules.
1) Points are scored for matching lyrics to content; the more oblique the connection, the better. You can give genre hints, but it’s more fun if you don’t...
2) Googling is not cheating; you don’t have to know it, you just have to be able to find it.
3) Most importantly, hipper-than-thou-isms are considered an act of hostility. Don’t be pulling out your Sub-Saharan folkadelic punk acts, particularly if they’re only available on vintage 8-track bootlegs.
I’m sometimes surprised by how different lyrics can seem when they’re written down. Cliches that glide right by when they’re sung start to itch (see: Ben Lee, collected works of).
Inanity sometimes becomes profound. (Collaborative listening? How would that work? And what sort of invention would make it possible? And what’s it all got to do with flavoured frozen water, anyway?)
And sometimes they stay inane. (Sing it with me: Oh. Ah. Oh-yu-es. Yeah...).
But the best thing? People open your emails.
Now if I could just figure out a similar solution for work...
Tuesday, June 5, 2007
Stop it! A communal Top 5 (or 50)
Perhaps this is anti-spacious but, heck, I have so many annoying habits it's worth dragging some of them out into the open.
Every now and then someone near you (it may even be you) does something that you really wish they wouldn't. It might go completely unnoticed by those around you, but to you it's like a high-pitched feedback-like squeal in your ears. Perhaps it's a long sloppy sniff or maybe someone stealing 'your' armrest at a movie. Whatever it is...it irks you and you wish they (you) would stop it.
I'm thinking we get a common Top 5 of sorts on the move. You add your annoying habit (or the habit that you find annoying) and we'll add it to the communal list.
Duplication is ok - it reinforces the degree of communal frustration with the habit!
So, here's the evolving communal list:
1. Sloppy sniffers (tissues are great aren't they?)
2. Noisy eaters
3. People who leave half finished glasses/plates/bowls of stuff around
4. Out of tune singing
5. Bad spelling and pronunciation
6. When something is pronounced 'somethink' and straight is pronounced 'shtraight'.
7. The noise people often make to illustrate hunger - the tongue hitting the roof of their mouth over and over - kills me every time.
8. The sound of anyone eating before midday.
9. The phrase 'touch base'.
10. Unacknowledged smells.
11. the smell of reheated leftovers for office lunches
12. being beeped at by taxi's (kind of only really a peruvian problem)
13. incessant whistling, drumming or humming
14. people who don't understand the delicate laws of air conditioning systems and open windows when you trying to keep the car cool (thus making the car very noisy and hot at 100km/hr so that you can't hear the music).
15. people who make no attempt to make their braking, acceleration, gear changes and cornering as smooth as possible.
16. noisy eating
17. noisy breathing
18. jerky/nervous drivers
19. people who prank rather than wear the cost of a phone call to you
20. knuckle-crackers
21. people who ride the brake...and brake suddenly as though an accident is about to happen (except there isn't another car in sight)
22. ok, I'm naughty, but people who pray mentioning the word father or Lord at a ratio of 1 word to 4 or less
23. People who take your armrest on either side of you on a 13 hour plane ride
24. People who talk during movies and tv
25. People who eat loudly during movies.. actually in general!
26. People who ask if we have running water and electricity in Australia
27. Out of tune singing
28. people without manners or respect for the people around them
29. people who lack spreadsheet data entry skills
30. starbucks baristas
31. overeager shop assistants
32. the man in the apartment above us who spends from 11pm till 2am most nights dragging a chair across the floor of the room above our bedroom.
33. people who talk during movies, gigs, and concert
34. people without manners or respect for the people around them
35. People who try to patronize you when they speak to you
36. nasty smells!
37. Noisy eating, chewing of gum, or simulating eating noises because it sounds 'cool'?
38. The visual of people eating/chewing with their mouths open3. Someone asking me a question and then looking around when I try to give the answer, which I'm only giving to humour their question.
39. over 40's calling a cappucino a "CUPPA-chino".
40. Kicking of others' chairs in church, lectures, meetings. Seriously people, why would you? have you ever turned around to the person behind you and said 'excuse me, I find it distracting that you're not kicking my chair, would you mind just kicking it continuously for the next 45 minutes?" NO, I didn't think so. Enough said.
41. Excessive licking of fingers whilst eating. "I know! lets lick our fingers noisily after every handful of salty chips, then put our hand straight back in the bag so we can do it all again! horrah!"
42. Gum snapping - you know the pop people make by sort of blowing an inside the mouth bubble?
43. people holding occult ceremonies within a 5 metre radius of my personal space, while I'm sleeping.
44. People who say 'youse' instead of 'you' eg. "Hey, youse guys, come over here!"
45. When people use to/too/two incorrectly.
46. Noisy eaters. They definitely annoy me.
47. Pray-ers who say "God, Jesus Father Jesus (?), Lord God, Holy Spirit, we just ask you, Jesus, Father Jesus, Lord" etc. I think he knows his name by now.
48. People who throw litter out of their car. Of course it disappears outside the time/space continuum when you let it fly out the window....
49. People who blame their obnoxious behaviour solely on their personality type. "It's not my fault, don't you know I'm a sanguine/melancholic/cleric?"
and 50...
the sound one of my work-mates makes by pouring water from a juice bottle in a way that sounds like a dog drinking from a water bowl, amplified through a trace-elliot accoustic amp.
Tuesday, May 29, 2007
Premature celebration
You were running a good race. Who cut in on you and kept you from obeying the truth?
Well, actually mate, you did it all on your own.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Packaging by Prime Numbers
This post has very little intelligence associated with it at all, but seeks to raise a senseless question or two.
So the deal is we're in the US and we buy some gum. Wrigleys doublemint sticks to be exact. It was a jumbo pack which I thought was a great idea as it would go the distance. But here's the thing: I've been chewing on this stuff daily for over two weeks now, offering it to friends etc. It occurred to me today, as I extracted yet another stick from the package: just how long is this thing going to last? Have I actually purchased the 5 loaves and 2 fish equivalent of chewing gum?
Closer inspection of the packaging reveals that the jumbo pack holds 17 sticks of gum. 17; a prime number, not divisible by anything but itself. Why create a pack of 17? You cannot distribute such a package evenly with anyone but yourself, it's not that conducive to sharing unless it's with 17 people but I've yet to be able to organise a gum chewing event with more than 4 people. So who in the world decided 17 was a good number for chewing gum?
I can understand packaging in other primes, e.g. 1, 2, 3, 5 all make sense. God was fairly big on multiples of 7. 11 is fairly odd, but we all understand the logic behind a bakers dozen of 13. You don't tend to see primes much higher than this though, not often you buy a 29 pack of anything, of 53 for that matter unless you strike it lucky in a box of matches, or are fortunate enough to get that little bit extra value out of a roll of 100 sheets of toilet paper. (By the way, a family from my church in NZ once appeared on NZ's Fair Go program, a slightly more legal equivalent to Today Tonight, because in a night of outrageous family bonding they'd counted every sheet in a 12-pack of 100-sheet rolls of toilet paper and found that none of them added up to 100 per roll. As a result they winded up with a years supply of the stuff; not conducive to popularity in the school playground but a great way to save on the grocery bill).
So this entry has no point, but if you can come up with a spiritual, theological, or simply logical reason for 17 sticks of gum, then I'm all ears.
Friday, May 4, 2007
A bit each way
When you're calling one guy the 'King of Grass' and the other the 'King of Clay', there seems only one resolution to your quandary.
Four-time Wimbledon champion Federer played two-time French Open winner Nadal last night in an exhibition on a customized half-clay, half-grass court.
The event was held in Palma De Mallorca to promote the Balearic Islands (yeah, they need promoting alright).
The organisers had to lay a brand new surface on the grass side of the court on Tuesday night after the original turf had failed to cope with the indoor location and then fell victim to a plague of worms.
Changeovers were extended to two minutes instead of the usual 90 seconds to give players a chance to change their footwear for each surface.
Rafael Nadal beat Roger Federer, 7-5, 4-6, 7-6 (10), in an exhibition Wednesday on a half-grass, half-clay court when the top-ranked Swiss failed to reach a forehand that took a funny bounce across the green side.
My mind has been forever tainted of any affinity for Rafael Nadal after sitting behind an extremely whining tennis tragic (let's just call her European) at the Australian Open who seemed utterly unable to control the need to yell 'C'monce Rafa' every time there was a point played. As Rafael sunk into the junkyard of the Australian Open it became more evident that her inspiring commentary had nothing to do with the tennis and (perhaps) more to do with his torso.
If this result infers anything about Nadal being a superior player to Federer, this is incidental and erroneous. One day Nadal may be invited to tie Federer's shoelaces. He should accept with gratitude. As much as I am bored by his complete dominance, let's not pretend there are two kings out there.
Thursday, May 3, 2007
Holy Father
Pope Alexander VI had six illegitmate kids. It's no secret, and he wasn't the only one...
Obviously I'm not out to denigrate any of the Pontiffs (we should write a "you're tops" for some of them) but you have to admit that the thought of the Pope's kids running around the Vatican is pretty humorous.
I've gone to the trusted source of humanity's collective knowledge (google+wikipedia) and in my surface level research have realized that some of the Pope's descendents still seem to be around.
This raises interesting questions:
-Could the descendents of Pope Alexander VI ask the Roman Catholic Church for back-dated child support payments?
-Would it have accrued interest since the Middle Ages?
-Would the Holy See require a DNA test to authenticate the charge?
As they have the bodies of previous Pontiffs interred in St Peter's you could, technically, check out the legitimacy (or perhaps the illegitimacy?) of the claim. I'm thinking of creating a website, where you can cross-reference your genetic data with that of any Supreme Pontiff from history.
Maybe something along the lines of www.thepopeisnotjustmyspiritualfather.com?
If you're Roman Catholic, please don't write angry weblog posts defaming me (ok, you can if you really want to) but please realize I speak in jest. Christian history is hilarious.
Wednesday, May 2, 2007
Cacophony: no coy chap
What’s a rag man, you ask? Why, it’s an anagram of the word anagram. I spend far too much time thinking up anagrams for different words. Which is why the Internet Anagram Server — or the I, rearrangement servant — is my new best friend.
The word juggling usually starts on the drive to work. I live in the suburb of Maida Vale – of which I long ago satisfied myself that ‘a male diva’ was the best arrangement. On the way to East Perth, license plates, shop signs, street names and words I hear on the radio are stirred and swivelled like wine in the bottom of a glass, unleashing a potent mix of letters for my enjoyment.
The way the Internet Anagram Server works is simple — just type in a word or a phrase and it will spit out a long list of possibilities. For example, some of my favourites for the name Simon Elliott are ‘no slim toilet’, ‘emotion still’, ‘I moot lentils’ and ‘oo smell init?’ I just typed my boss’s full name and it came up with ‘a bristled newt’. Too good.
Sunday, April 15, 2007
You're tops: Rain
As far as my backyard (and the rest of the Perth metro area) is concerned, it's been a long time between drinks. All that changed today when the rain arrived. As it did, one of my indulgences was sated: meteorological monitoring.
I love rain. Sure for some it takes sunshine on their shoulders to make them happy, but for me it's rain all the way. I'd quite possibly be cured of my infatuation if I lived in a rain-drenched city, but I don't. I live in a city, state and nation that teeters on the brink of drought from season to season. So I'm way more likely to agree with Depeche Mode who just can't get enough either.
I love it pouring down when I'm falling asleep in bed. I love driving through deep puddles on the road and I love running when the heavens open and turn my running shoes into a Slurpex (well, I kind of like it). I also love it when the water tanks out the back of my place are overflowing with the bounty of nature's outpouring and footy players do those long 30m belly slides as the oval turns to mush.
Rain purifies, fuels growth, replenishes, cleanses... it is replete with Biblical and spritual metaphors.
And it feeds statistical curiosity.
I'd love to say that all my reasons for rainfall connection are altruistic. I'd love to tell you that it's all about the farmers and the dams (which incidentally are currently at 21.1% capacity). I'd love to tell you that it's a desire to see the local rainfall exceed 862.7mm each year to allow us not to drain the Yaragadee aquifer. All of those would be telling half-truths. But they wouldn't be absolutely truthful.
Not long after it starts to bucket down, my desire to head to the Bureau of Meteorology website germinates. If there's something that rivals the sound of rain on a corrugated iron roof, it's the minute-by-minute monitoring of a torrential downpour on the BOM wesbite. If there's no rain coming down there's not much excitement (a bit like watching grass grow, but less exciting). But when the rain comes the site becomes a dynamic feast of activity. Enough to inspire Third Day to write songs.
The rain has stopped for the moment, but it's coming back in about 30 minutes...I just checked the radar.
Yep, rain is tops. Noah loved it, I love it.
Friday, April 13, 2007
Answering the big questions...or spitting in the wind
There have been a couple of high profile discussions between christians and athiests of late. I doubt they'll be the last.
I'm always wary of making much of a deal of these. Peter writes in one of his letters:Always be prepared to give an answer to everyone who asks you to give the reason for the hope that you have. But do this with gentleness and respect, keeping a clear conscience, so that those who speak maliciously against your good behavior in Christ may be ashamed of their slander.
Yet 1 Timothy 1:4 and Titus 3:9 also warn us about spending our time on controversies of little gain. Paul talks of those at the Areopagus in Acts 17:21 who 'spent their time doing nothing but talking and listening to the latest ideas'.
So, for all of that, take a look at these. The first is a conversation between an athiest, Richard Dawkins (who wrote a book called the God Delusion) and a christian, Alistair Dawkins (who countered with The Dawkins Delusion). Much to everyone's surprise they had a conversation together.
The second is a moderated conversation between another athiest (these guys should start a denomination), Sam Harris, and Rick Warren, Senior Pastor at Saddleback (and author of a couple of books). Take a look at the conversation here.
A couple of months ago I was at Careforce Church in Mount Evelyn, Victoria. Senior Pastor, Allan Myer announced that he'd be debating one of Victoria's leading athiest (seems somehow tautological, but anyway) later this year. So, yeah, all the cool kids are into it.
Take a look. You may tune out quickly, you may have thoughts on the purpose and product of these conversations or they may completely float your boat.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
10 Small Group Room-clearers
I was just googling some small-group ice-breakers for a meeting tomorrow and stumbled across this (I was also distracted by a post about Moleskines). Definitely worth road-testing with your next small group... Top Ten WORST Small Group Ice Breakers 10. Share the worst sin you’ve ever committed. 9. If you were God, who would you punish first? 8. Which person in this group do you think needs to find Jesus the most? 7. Which people at your church do you wish would find a different church, and why? 6. If you could erase any verse out of the Bible, which one would it be? 5. Share the juiciest piece of gossip you know so we can pray about it. 4. If you could have anything from your neighbor’s house, what would it be? 3. What’s your favorite of The 10 Commandments to break? 2. If you could change anything about your spouse, what would it be? 1. If you could commit any sin and get away with it, what would it be? (Courtesy of Eric Metcalf)
11. Who in this group has God told you to marry?
Friday, March 30, 2007
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
I am looking into the future and I see.......
Men, on motorcycles....
Finding excuses to leave wives and babies together at home discussing curtains or something, they will pursue adventure on the open road astride mighty and noisy steeds, wind in hair, exploring areas distal to Perth that may play host to commendable coffee and cuisine. These men are very good looking, friends, lovers of the Lord, united in a silent understanding of the bond between man and machine, rubber and road, taste buds and coffee. They venture far and wide, New Norcia, Busselton, Beverley, any where a winding road may take them inside the hours allotted to them by their wives and family.
As the sun sets, may they return, the release of horse power having instilled a refreshed sense of joy and fellowship. The pizza sizzles on the hot stone, the bottle of wine is de-corked, the adventure stories will be shared, wives may roll eyes and sigh, but men smile big happy smiles because they have freedom, they have liberty, they have motorcycles, and they have licenses!!!
A challenge to the willing: Assemble a gang, a posse, a collection of like-minded colleagues, rebels without a clue, and together we will ride for common good if and when we can all afford it. My Cacophony brothers: I have perceived the desires of your heart for the desires of mine are the same, and where motorcycles are concerned it is a blessed thing. Grace and disturbance of the peace to you all.
Wednesday, March 14, 2007
Fancy a second mortgage and a good lie down?
The Hästens Vividus bed will only set you back 46,020 Euros. The website will tell you: 'Vividus is the ideal bed when only the best is good enough. There is true craftsmanship even in the smallest detail, and the production time is 160 man hours. A true masterpiece.'
At $AUS77,318.51, I guess it would be.
More from the site: Hästens is the only bed manufacturer to be awarded the Swedish Swan certificate and to be approved by Oeko Tex 100. This proves that our beds are environmentally-friendly and free from hazardous materials. Furthermore, all Hästens beds are sold with the
Swedish Möbelfakta symbol, as they meet the standards set for home and public environments. Hästens also has the honour of being the supplier to His Majesty, King Carl XVI Gustaf of Sweden. Which proves that even a king wants to sleep like a king. To place your order, visit our showroom today!
Sunday, February 25, 2007
You're tops: To a great character
We’re paying homage to a character that needs little introduction, yet is the object of confusion and derision to the extent that extinction may be just around the corner.
Cautionary note: Before we even begin, this is an absolute tome – 1998 words in all – so I would highly recommend a) jumping ship now or b) fetching yourself an extremely good cup of coffee. In fact, if you make it to the end, let us know – the steak knives will be in the mail.
The apostrophe. Maligned. Misunderstood. Abused. Overused. Underused. Excluded. Ignored. Yet it remains one of the symbols of our time.
Take off the blinkers and you’ll see the little tacker poking up his motorcycle-helmet-clad-head all over the shop. Sometimes in places he should never be, sometimes in exactly the right place at the right time and sometimes wondering what he accidentally acquired…but we’ll get to that later.
For years, the apostrophe has served us so well. In fact, if the apostrophe had a middle name, it would be a toss up between ‘efficient’, ‘possessive’ and ‘versatile’. Therein lies the problem: the little fella’s so flexible it’s confusing. The fact is, even my grammar checker didn’t know what to do with him in that last sentence. One moment he owns stuff, the next he’s saving real estate on the page – or ink from the pen.
The problem as I see is that that which isn’t understood is feared. And, out of fear, we pursue one of two courses of action: abstinence or blithe overuse.
Now, I’m first to admit that the journey from caring for this little ‘above-the-line’ critter to being labelled ‘anally retentive’ is only a short one, but I’m prepared to go into bat for it all the same.
I don’t profess mastery either. I probably invite him along for the ride a little too often—it seems more inclusive than leaving him on the bench. So, in the interests of helping you with your condition, I’ve come up with a ‘Fast Five’ for discovering whether you’re suffering from being overly enamoured and defensive with regard to the motorcycle-helmet-clad-head (a.k.a., the apostrophe).1. You carry an Artline pen or can of white spray paint in the car with you (or saliva for the blackboard) just in case you need to fulfil your responsibility to the literary world.
Now, I’ll confess to four out of five of these. While my wife may disagree, I’d like to proclaim innocence on the second criteria. I’ve certainly succumbed to all others though. For random acts of literary vandalism (or enhancement), I both apologise and confess my sin. And, for the record, I’m quite capable of practicing grace in the area of the apostrophe – I just don’t think we should wallow in our confusion.
2. You can’t observe the mistreatment of the little fella without drawing the attention of those around you to the injustice that has been perpetrated.
3. When reading a book, the paper, or a magazine in a café, you find it very difficult not to correct error for the benefit, clarity (and perhaps admiration) of the next reader.
4. You’ve been known to exclaim ‘hello apostrophe’ while driving the car on observation of the work of serial overusers.
5. You find yourself posting tributes to the noble mark on blogs that hitherto had precious little to do with grammar.
This post is not intended to be a grammar lesson, but a celebration of the apostrophe. So, why I feel a need to mount a defence for the fella’s appropriate usage, I don’t want to stray too far off the highway of celebration. Yet, for some paragraphs, I would like to provide a perfunctory guide to its (no, not it’s) use. Perfunctory in that it is limited by the writer's literary intellect.
Key usage #1: Apostrophes own stuff
Indeed, they own many things: cars, houses, balls, jobs and, strangely, even people. The apostrophe steps in after the owner and usually before an ‘s’ to make the declaration: “I belong to him (or her, or it).”
Note 1: This is Fiona’s car, it is a Festiva. (This is also a demonstration of rhyme)
Note 2: This is Spot’s ball, just throw it and he’ll bring it back to you.
Pretty simple so far? Indeed. Yet there are a few clarifications that need to be made here.
If a group of people own something, leave the apostrophe until last.
Example One: The Cacophony Ensemble: A writers’ collective
Now this can be confusing and this is partly why the little fella needs to be stewarded well. If you have a Writers’ Blog, you’ve got yourself a blog for writers. If you have a Writer’s Blog then you have a blog that belongs to one person. Just one.
Curious fact#1: If you’re really, really, really famous and your name ends with an ‘s’, you can leave of another ‘s’ after the apostrophe has done his job.
Example One: At the table were Jesus’ disciples.
My point here is to demonstrate the common rule: using an ‘s’ twice interrupted by an apostrophe is just fine. In fact, it’s correct. You can read Thomas’s book all you like and you’ll still be, quite fairly, reading the book that Thomas wrote (or owns).
There’s definite grey in this one. Few would dispute Thomas’s book, but many would say Bill Hybels’ church or David Griffiths’ house. English is not always monochromatic! So, at risk of being nebulous and non-absolute, if the apostrophe follows the ‘s’ in a name that ends with ‘s’ and it sounds better (un-clumsy), just leave it be.
Let’s move on. I’m not an English teacher and I’m feeling as if I’m on treacherous ground.
Key UN-usage #2: Don’t use an apostrophe for plurals
Bear this rule in mind when you’re shopping for vegetables, as Grocers and the occasional pet shop owner seem to be permanently ensconced on the list of serial offenders. If it’s a plural, it doesn’t need an apostrophe!
Un-example One: ‘Potato’s $2/kilogram’ (No, the potatoes don’t own the money) For the record, potatoes will do just fine.
Un-example Two: From Guppy’s to Puppy’s (Someone, please, restrain me!) Again, for the record, From Guppies to Puppies will do just fine unless you’d like to get a little more specific and make it From Guppy’s aquariums to Puppy’s kennels….but I digress.
We’re moving on – all this chalk is bleaching my fingers.
Key UN-usage #3: Apostrophes can stay at home and stuff will still be owned!
Okay, listen up. If you’re going to mask the identity of the owner, or if the owner is inanimate, then sometimes you’ll just go with ‘IT’. This becomes a bridging rule of sorts, because we’re crossing over from Mr Possessive to Mr Efficient. It would be confusing if the same spelling and insertion of grammatical marks denoted the same literary intent, so the wise folk made it easy for us.
Let’s get there in stages.
Step 1: You should check the milk’s expiry date. (Yes, a carton of milk can own stuff. In this case it owns an expiry date!)
Step 2: You should check its expiry date. (No apostrophe)
Now, we just need to assume that whoever is being asked about the expiry date is aware it’s in relation to a carton of milk, but the big deal is this: when you’re using ITS to denote ownership, leave the apostrophe in the cupboard—his services are not required. In fact, the helpful rule here is this: any time you see IT’S, you should be able to re-state the sentence with ‘it is’ instead of ‘it’s’.
Step 2/Take 2: You should check it is expiry date. Ba bow. That won’t fly
We could unpack the literary rationale for the rule but it’s (it is) quicker simply to say: ‘don’t do it’.
Key Usage #2: A well-employed apostrophe will save you space (ie. Mr Efficient)
Here’s where the little fella comes struts his stuff (right there at the beginning of the sentence). Apostrophes can be used to contract words. Not all words, but a fair swag of common ones. Shakespeare was liberal with the apostrophe. He contracted whenever he felt moved to do so. There are a bunch of words that have commonly accepted contractions though. Here’s a bunch of obvious ones:
It is = it’s
We are = we’re
You are = you’re
Do not = don’t
Does not = doesn’t
Will not = ahhh…let’s not go there
Let us = let’s
I am = I’m
Sometimes it suits to spell it out, sometimes contractions help change the tone. Generally, it’s a little more casual. And other times, it just fits the meter of what the writer is on about.
So: ‘I am, You are, We are Australian’ might work, but ‘I’m, You’re, We’re Australian’ doesn’t quite fly. Sure, they say the same thing, they just don’t fly.
I think the lesson is over. We’ve avoided a lot of territory, but this isn’t intended to be a lesson in grammar, but the celebration of a hero. This fella is among the hardest working characters in the caper. And that’s only taking into account his ‘above-the-line’ work. Bring into play the work of his ‘on-the-line’ mate, the comma (an identical twin in all facets other than location) and you’ve got two of the dominant literary players of our time.
My plea is this: please respect the apostrophe. He means no harm. He only exists to bring clarity and brevity into the literary world. Simply acknowledge his strengths and his weaknesses. He can’t be all things to everybody, so don’t force him where he shouldn’t be. Sure, he just got three gigs in the last sentence, but let’s not overuse him by confusing homonyms with acceptable usages (i.e. It was ‘where’ back then, not we’re).
And, while I’m a voice in the desert crying out for mercy for this character, I’m also quick to acknowledge that our lexicon is a movable feast. It’s evolving. Words appear in our dictionary today that only years ago we’d never heard of (or were considered colloquialisms or slang). Words like ringtone, blog, detox and hoodie all want to be spell-corrected, yet you’ll find them in the latest edition of your dictionary. Some would argue, so long as you get the idea of what the writer is attempting to communicate, just leave it be. That’s fine. Whether I ‘right’ this sentence or I ‘write’ this sentence, it’s probably reasonable to accept that you get the gist. The apostrophe is worth fighting for though. Abuse this little critter and you could have a friend that is a dog rather than a friend who owns a dog. I’m all for having a dog as a friend, but it’s good to have clarity.
The apostrophe doesn’t leave us without real-life application either. You see, we’re all capable of being apostrophes, or treating others like one. We’re capable of being used where we shouldn’t (just because it’s obvious we must fit in there somewhere). And we’re also capable of being overused. To be burned out because we’re available and willing. And so, motorcycle-helmet-clad-heads get placed in square holes where they almost look appropriate until you discover that they’ve actually re-interpreted a context, or owned something that was never theirs in the first place. Or brought brevity to a context that was brief all on its own.
As you go about your work-a-day lives, look out for the apostrophes—in literature and in life. Spare a thought for their plight. Love and cherish them. And bother enough to discover, in concert with them, exactly where they belong and where they thrive. They’ll rejoice in being able to run with the freedom that comes from being in the exact place they were always intended.
Amen.
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
'Paid to Post' scandle descends into "Postgate"
A radical underhanded plan to lure non-active writers into posting on The Cacophony Ensemble took a nasty turn yesterday amidst allegations that some writers were offered financial incentives and being subjected to undue emotional pressures to contribute.
Embroiled in the controversy, serial recalcitrant non-posters Mr Douglas Smythe, Booragoon and Miss Karyn Ash, Como felt they could no longer stay silent and visibly broke down earlier today. Ash said that it was not simply the efforts to persuade her financially that had forced her to break her silence.
'My ability to function effectively in the workplace and in the student environment has been severely undermined by the undue pressures placed on me to write by The Cacophony Ensemble', Ash said.
'It's the labels, the barbs and the on-going innuendo that have resulted in the whole situation becoming untenable', Ash added.
'While their intent maybe ultimately wholesome, some of the methods employed to induce contributions have left me feeling uncomfortable and quite honestly, a little sacred. Sorry scared.'
Douglas Smythe also weighed in to the scandal by accusing The Cacophony Ensemble of heavy-handed bullying.
'I don't think anyone should be subjected to these strong-arm tactics regardless of their gender, creed, colour or beliefs. What these writers fail to understand is that the sword is actually mightier than the pen. The euphemism is not reality. It's been a long time since I was involved in the martial arts game, but I still have my sword and am willing to take up arms against my oppressors', Smythe said.
While Smythe and Ash sought the counsel of other friends in their distress, they were largely assured that their 'Paid to Post' problems were probably piqued by a penchant for alliteration and perhaps of their own fabrication. A suitable solution, it was suggested, would be to 'get over it and write'.
Friday, February 2, 2007
Label me Elmo
So... a portion of the creative genius that comprises The Cacophony Ensemble have colluded to define some broad creative parameters for the labels/categories/genres that combine to form the writings you'll find from the ensemble. Believe us, they're plenty broad.
Above all, the intention is to shed some light (however filtered, misguided or well-informed) on the noises that surround us. Sometimes as amused onlookers and reporters, sometimes as curious participants, sometimes as participants, sometimes as frustrated folk and sometimes as people with a thought for a way out of the noise.
So, the labels/categories are thus:
JESUS_is more than alright with us
RUNNING_the simplest and most efficient form of physical exercise
LEADERSHIP_without followers is merely taking a walk
REVIEWS_movies, music and literature
THE CHURCH_gentle observations and thoughts about Christ's bride.
TRIVIAL PURSUITS_random gear and curious fun
SPIRITUALITY + THEOLOGY_God in the cacophony
CULTURE_the cacophony that surrounds us
YOU'RE TOPS_there's been some fine people who've walked this earth. We pay homage.
STUFF'N'THINGS_have you seen the iPhone yet?
CULTURAL ICONS_Chuck Norris et. al.
STRENUOUS WHOLENESS_getting tidy at being a well-formed human
VENT YOUR SPLEEN_step on to the soapbox and let rip
TOP5+_FOr lovers of lists, order and clarity
PHILOSOPHY_a bunch of words to confuse, bewilder or illuminate
All of us have our different inclinations and passions. That'll be pretty obvious as we get going.
It's what we're thinking. Thoughts?
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
You really shouldn't drink so much
I was in a café last week and overheard some people on a nearby table talking about a radio contest that went awry. Seems that the listeners were challenged to take on board the most water without weeing in order to win a Nintendo Wii. Turns out you can have too much of a good thing.
I had first-hand experience of this a few years back when I took on a challenge to down 13 litres (when I'd already racked up 2 litres for the day). 15 litres in an 8 hour period is not altogether good. Didn't strike me at the time that it could be dangerous. 
I don't think a couple of litres a day is going to send you to an early grave, but if you're a small rodent and you're sinking that much good gear each day, the writing's probably on the wall (and the floor).
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